Even if He does not...: Reflection on Prayer

"Oh Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter.  If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and He will rescue us from your hand, O king.  But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."  Daniel 3:16-18

In light of certain death, three men from Israel refused to bow before a king and his powerless god.  With confidence, they told him that their God, the one true God, had the ability to save them.  Yet, with an attitude I doubt many of us had today, they were willing to burn to death if He chose not to do so.  How could they do this?  Because they knew they served the mighty and good God of the universe, and that His plans were bigger and farther reaching than their own little lives.  They were willing to suffer and die with the knowledge that God could save them, but might chose not to.

Do we live and pray with this attitude?  Do I live with the knowledge that God could make me happy or comfortable in a situation and praise Him even when He does not?  Do I believe that His plans are better than mine?  Or do are all my pretty words just head knowledge?

What do you really believe?

Shoes I Just Don't Get: Reflection on "Fashion"

Fancy Clown?

Don't you step on my sued shoes?

I really don't even know what to say...

Maybe I'll just stick to my jeans and Toms because clearly I don't know the first thing about fashion, and really, I'm ok with that.

What I Wore to Work Today: "Boothy Tendencies

As you can see, I don't take great pictures, but it gets the point across.

Weakness: A Humbling Reflection

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10

I am not a particularly strong person.  One of my new favorite terms for myself is “marshmallow” as I avoid conflict like the plague and do just about everything in my power to make sure no one is ever mad or irritated with me.  My idol is people, plain and simple and looking back over the course of my life I can see it very clearly.  The obedient golden child who rarely got spankings and cringed at disappointed glances really isn’t so golden or perfect; she’s just a self-worshiping narcissist who would generally prefer to take the easy way out.

On a slightly darker note, though most likely a connected one, I have struggled for years with mild depression.  It comes out of nowhere, like a tidal wave crashing into me so hard I feel I can’t breathe or even see past the end of my nose.  Joy is sucked from life and things go gray.  I feel guilty for feeling this way because I have been so, utterly blessed in so many areas, and I hear this voice telling me that I am ungrateful and that a real Christian wouldn’t feel this way. 

No, I’m not a strong person.  I listen to the lies Satan tells me, I worship gods that can neither see, nor hear, nor have hands to create or protect.  I forget the truths I learn from the word God has given us.  I forget to listen to the whisper that instills such truth.  I focus far too much on myself and ignore the plight of others.  I am terribly, terribly weak.

And I am learning to thank God for it.

The helplessness I feel, the gray I am often trapped in, always brings me to my knees, to the conclusion than I have zero power on my own.  And eventually that whisper breaks through all the stupid noise, the guilt, the foolishness and reminds me of Whose I am, what’s been done for me, and that it is in my weakness than He can be strong.  It isn’t when I feel brave and bold and confident that I can be effective, it’s when I am completely aware of my feebleness that I can be used for great things.

Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t always bring on the rush of endorphins that suddenly pulls me up out of the gloom.  I don’t actually hear a physical voice.  I still have to fight the lies banging around in my head.  But the whisper of truth reminds me of the rock I can rest on; King who stepped down from His throne to live the life I should be living, died the death I should have died, and breathed His spirit into me, replacing my heart of stone with a beating heart of flesh.

“Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

Pride Gut Shot: Reflections on Humility

Have you ever looked back on a conversation and been so embarrassed by what you said you sort of wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out?  I recently had one of those moments.  Looking back I can just imagine what the other people are thinking as I spout out something so inane and stupid that my pride takes a massive shot right to the gut.  This incident benefits me, even though it sure doesn’t feel like it.  It benefits me because of the well-deserved gut shot my pride gets. 

When I take stock of my day to day thoughts and really consider the attitude behind them, I find that most of the time, they come from a place that honestly believes that I am, in a way, the protagonist of some grand narrative.  I am the center of my own world, my own plot, and really I am better than everyone else.  This makes it ok for me to make fun of others when they say or do stupid things, at least mentally, and more than acceptable for me to distance myself from the socially awkward and/or weird.

The gut shot reminds me that all of these things I sort of subconsciously believe or at least live/think by are complete and total lies.  Yes, I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14 – a glorious ruin as my Associate Pastor says), but am still a recovering sinner and I am still quite fallible.  These blows to my pride underscore this truth and enable me to show much more compassion on others when they say foolish or embarrassing things. 

I see the same thing happen when God reveals my sin to me.  This conviction makes me far more willing to forgive sin done against me, and far more willing to show mercy to others in general.  Not to excuse sin, or look over it, after all scripture calls us to hate sin and even confront our brothers when they wrong us, but to throw off my prideful self-righteousness amidst those circumstances.

So I am thankful for embarrassment and sin conviction.  I am thankful that God does not allow me to bask in the fake sun of my self pride, and I long for the day when I can throw these things off for good, and rest completely, unhindered, in His righteousness and love. 

Amidst the Yuck: Reflection on God's Sovereignty

“Tell us your God story…”, “It was such a God thing…”, “God was working there…”, “It was amazing how God was guiding us…” 

Blech.

These are a few of the phrases in “Christianese” that just drive me crazy.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about being aware of God working in our lives and reflecting on it intentionally, but I feel like nine times out of ten we use these slightly cheesy sayings exclusively in relation to circumstances that have worked out the way we believe they should, circumstances that make us happy or comfortable.  Very rarely do I hear people say, “Yeah, this situation really sucks, I’m not particularly happy, things are not working out /my/ way, and honestly, I’m angry right now, but I know God is good and in control.”

Our view, my view, of the way God works is small and relatively screwed up.

Take Job.

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart.   The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.” Job 1:21

He praises God amidst the yuck and even gives Him the credit for taking the things that made him happy away.  His act of worship is even more striking and insightful when you reflect on the fact that at the beginning of the chapter, God is the one who calls Satan’s attention to His servant in the first place.

⁸ Then the LORD said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil.” Job 1:8

Maybe I’m the only one who never noticed this until recently, but this sort of shocked me.  Satan, our accuser doesn’t bring Job up in the first place, God does.  Moreover, Satan has to ask God permission to launch his attack and God has to approve.  My conclusion?  God is sovereign over all things, even the yuck.  To put it without the Christian jargon, God is completely in control over the good, the bad, and the ugly that goes on in our lives.

Two reactions can, and inevitably do, follow this realization:

1.       It’s not fair

2.       Awestruck praise

I think I’ve considered this on my blog before, so I may just be rehashing things, but here it is anyway; I am comforted by God’s control over the junk that happens to me.  Sometimes I get mad, often I complain to God, but I would so much rather a powerful God Who works things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose that we might be conformed to the likeness of His Son (Romans 8:28-29) than sort of like a god who is good and loving but has no power at all.
That’s why I get sick of hearing the rainbows and bunnies stories.  Not that I don’t believe them or that I am completely cynical (only a little) or that I don’t want them told, but because I want to hear more of us (myself as well) singing God’s praises when things don’t go /our/ way.  I guess what I want is more authenticity.  Be honest if you’re mad at God, at the world, if things don’t make any sense.  The Psalmists did it, complained to God, so why don’t we?  What do you think?  What holds you back?

Quote of the Day

A conversation between Brooke and Melanie:

Melanie putting super glue on a cut.

Brooke:  You're a freak!

Melanie:  I'm a nurse.


Isn't it amazing what seems odd to some and normal to others?

Happy New Years: Non-Resolutions

The start of this new year was interesting to say the very least.  I find it mildly amusing that while most people set goals to work out more and overpopulate gyms and boot camps within the first few weeks of January I ended up missing a day and a half of work and skipping Camp Gladiator for two weeks.  What happened?  The creeping crud as one of our salesmen calls it.  Started as a dry cough and became a plague that swept through my office and took a few of us down.  Add to that major work stress and this has not been a warm and fuzzy start to 2012.  However, as usual, through even the "creeping crud", or perhaps because of it, God has been teaching me a stinking lot.  I plan to go into more detail in future posts, but I will leave you with this for now; I don't make resolutions as they tend to fail fairly quickly, instead I make Prayer Lists.  This sounds way over-spiritual or hyper religious and I rather cringe to write the phrase but it just makes more sense to me.  Making resolutions is based on my will power, making prayer lists means I'm reminded that I can't do squat on my own.  Hopefully sometime soon (when my brain isn't fried from putting together bids for our salesmen) I am going to sit down and write one out, but for now I will be thankful that God teaches me no matter what, and that He uses the crud for our good and His glory.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Merry Christmas!

Under Authority: Reflections on Sovereignty

But the centurion said, "Lord, I am not worthy for You to come under my roof, but just say the word, and my servant will be healed.  For I also am a man under authority, with soldiers under me; and I say to this one, 'Go!' and he goes, and to another, 'Come!' and he comes, and to my slave, 'Do this!' and he does it."  Matthew 8:8-10

Matthew 8 describes two scenes in which Jesus performs miraculous healings.  The first is a leper, the second, a servant of a Roman centurion, a Gentile.  Both are radical, both reveal faith in the ability of the Christ to heal, and both express a willingness to accept His will in the matter.  What has always confused me, however, was the speech of the centurion in verses 8-10.  Certainly, it makes sense that he might feel unworthy in Jesus' presence, but why on earth does he begin to talk about authority?  In the past, it appeared to me as a sort of random rant that had nothing to do with anything.  Rabbit trail maybe?  In scripture?  Probably not.

To add to my confusion, just after this little speech, scripture says that Jesus marveled at his words and claimed to have never witnessed such faith in anyone in Israel.  Maybe he was just ignoring the rabbit trail.  Again, not a likely conclusion.  Tonight, however, I began to understand why the centurion begins to speak of authority.  He was not simply going on about his responsibilities or bragging about his power, rather, he was acknowledging Christ's authority over physical ailments.  He likened his own ability to command soldiers to Jesus' ability to command sickness or pain to do His will.  He understood that this man had authority over our very flesh, and this was why Jesus points out his great faith.  If the servant was not healed, it wasn't because the Son of Man did not have the authority to do so, it would have been because He did not will to do so.

What a hard and awesome concept to wrestle with.  We pray for healing, we pray for miracles, we pray for our way and when it doesn't happen our faith is often shaken.  But what if, along with the centurion, we believed deep within ourselves that our good God has the authority to heal, but may simply choose not to on the basis of a wisdom we can't possibly understand?  We might just live our lives differently.  We might realize that our way may not (is probably not) the best way.  We might even find peace amidst physical suffering, knowing that God is good and sovereign and will not with hold His best from us.

How terrifying it would be to worship a god who did not have this authority?  He could be sweet and all that, but completely powerless, sitting by and watching just as helplessly as one of us.  Do we really want to worship a god like that?  The fact is that He does have authority over all things, that He is good, and that His will will be done.  

Thanksgiving Countdown: Day 30

Wednesday, November 30, 2011:  That I can't do a dang thing on my own.  "As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins..." (Ephesians 2:1)  "What a wretched man I am!  Who will rescue me from this body of death? (Romans 7:24).  The older I get, the more I realize that at the center of my being, I am a powerless sinner.  In early years, I thought myself a good person.  Yes, as a good reformed Christian I knew I was am a sinner saved by grace and that my righteous works apart from God were like filthy rags (Isaiah 64:6) but I know that deep down I really didn't believe that, and my thoughts and emotions about other people proved that.  Hatred of sin is one thing, indignation and animosity towards one created in the image of God is quite another.  But over the years, God in His great mercy has begun to humble me.  Not in a self-focused, degrading, "I suck" sort of way, but in a realization that no matter what I do sin is right there with me (Romans 7:21).  Even my "good" thoughts and prayers are marred with the desire to serve or comfort or worship myself, and I often find myself frustrated with the idea that nothing I do is pure.  I am starting to believe, however, that this may very well be the point.  That realization that I am helpless on my own, that I can never hit the mark of God's perfection, and that I MUST rely on the sacrifice and good works of His son for my salvation and the help of the Holy Spirit for Holy living, is true freedom, is the gospel.  The moment I begin to believe I have no need for Christ's sacrifice and for the empowering work of God's Spirit living within me is exactly when I will fail.  I am so thankful for God's infinite mercy, and I can say along with Paul, "Thanks be to God-through Jesus Christ our Lord"  (Romans 7:24) and to rejoice that "it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— ⁹ not by works, so that no one can boast. ¹⁰ For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."  (Ephesians 2:8-10)  

Thanksgiving Countdown: Day 29

Wednesday, December 7, 2011:  Amy Flach.  We are no longer in the month of November (obviously) but   I would still like to finish up my 30 Days of Thankfulness.  The week after Thanksgiving I got "promoted" (?) to Sales Secretary and began training for the position.  This meant overtime and crashing nearly the moment I got home.  Now that training is over and my brain is functioning outside of work again, I am going to write the last two I meant to write on November 29th and 30th.  For the 29th day, I am thankful for our Accounting Assistant Amy Flach.  She has been so helpful to me at TMC, so encouraging, and such a good friend.  I truly don't know what I would do without her there.  God is gracious beyond my imagination.  Thanks Amy for always being there.

Thanksgiving Countdown: Day 28

Monday, November 28, 2011:  Crystal Gellenthin.  At work, I sit at the font desk.  We joke that I am the door keeper and that no one gets past me without a run down and password.  Ok, I'm kidding about the password, but the point is, someone has to be up there to answer the door and the phones.  Enter Crystal to save the day.  Crystal sits at my desk while I go to lunch.  Thanks Crystal!

Thanksgiving Countdown: Day 27

Sunday, November 27, 2011: Jessica Meyers and Kristen Novak.  God has blessed me so much in the last few years with wonderful friends, especially in college.  These two girls got me through some hard times, laughed with him, cried with me, and have continued to be blessings in my life.  Jess, thanks so much for speaking logic to my emotionalism and being willing to confront me in my ridiculousness, Kristen, thanks so much for your empathy... and for being my unofficial roommate summer 2007.  I miss watching Stargate with the two of you as well... thanks for getting me sucked into it.  I thank God for you two and I hope you know how much y'all mean to me.

Thanksgiving Countdown: Day 26

Saturday, November 26, 2011: God's perfect timing.  I am a very impatient person and I don't think that our instant gratification culture has made it any better.  I want what I want when I want it and I get antsy and whiny when I don't get it.  The thing is, God's timing is perfect.  He knows what we need and when we need it, and if we are His children, His plans for us are for our best and for the advancement of His kingdom.  This isn't something I always believe though I know it to be true, but it's a good thing to remember, and to be thankful for.  The hard thing is realizing that it may never be the perfect time for me to have something, and therefore I won't have it, but then I can be thankful that again, God has the best plans in mind for me.  So while I am waiting for things I hope to have, I will thank Him for being both good and sovereign.

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

Thanksgiving Countdown: Day 25

Friday, November 25, 2011: My brother.  Sometimes we don't get along, but we can always laugh and I know we will always be there for each other.  Thanks for being there Thomas.  I love you!

Thanksgiving Countdown: Day 24

Happy Thanksgiving!

"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.” Colossians 2:6-7 NIV

Thursday, November 24, 2011: Having all of my family together for Thanksgiving... and apple pie.

Thanksgiving Countdown: Day 23

Wednesday, November 23, 2011: My job.  After a year of looking and living with my parents I am thankful to have income.  God provides, even if it's not really in the way you expect.  He has taught me a great deal through this situation and I hope to cling to these lessons.  One of my prayers now is that He will help me to seek to do my best where I am and that He will continue to guide my steps.

Thanksgiving Countdown: Day 22

Tuesday, November 22, 2011:  Kirsten “Kiki” Oliphant.  Starting in Jr. High I entered into out church’s youth group.  After quite a few years of feeling a bit on the outside socially (I have come to terms with the fact that I was a pretty stinkin’ weird kid) it was wonderful to become part of a group… even if a good majority of us were nerdy church rats.  Through those three awkward years I was taught wonderful biblical teaching and my freshman year of high school, our church hired a girls youth worker named Kirsten St. Claire.  I thought she was pretty much the coolest person I’d ever met, and despite that, she took the time to disciple me for the first two and a half years of high school.  She instilled in me a deeper love for God and a passion to work with girls younger than myself.  Thanks Kiki for praying for and challenging me in my faith.  I can’t tell you how much God has done through you!

Thanksgiving Countdown: Days 20-21

Sunday, November 20, 2011: Pastor Carter Sanger (and family).  Thank you Carter for all you do, for persevering through the hard times, for challenging and exhorting us, for working hard to assess the health of our church, and for seeking God's direction for His ministry.

Monday, November 21, 2011: Pastor Nathan Carico (and family).  Thank you Nathan for your hard work, for listening, for praying, for taking on a thousand and one tasks, for preaching the gospel and challenging us, for seeking God's direction and wisdom for His ministry at and through Cornerstone, for picking up my slack.

We are so heartily blessed to have two pastors who care deeply for their flock and for the ministry of the word and I hope we all thank God daily for them.  Keep them in your prayers and do not take them for granted.  And please do not limit your pastor appreciation to one month out of the year!