Tuesday, February 07, 2012

Pride Gut Shot: Reflections on Humility

Have you ever looked back on a conversation and been so embarrassed by what you said you sort of wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out?  I recently had one of those moments.  Looking back I can just imagine what the other people are thinking as I spout out something so inane and stupid that my pride takes a massive shot right to the gut.  This incident benefits me, even though it sure doesn’t feel like it.  It benefits me because of the well-deserved gut shot my pride gets. 

When I take stock of my day to day thoughts and really consider the attitude behind them, I find that most of the time, they come from a place that honestly believes that I am, in a way, the protagonist of some grand narrative.  I am the center of my own world, my own plot, and really I am better than everyone else.  This makes it ok for me to make fun of others when they say or do stupid things, at least mentally, and more than acceptable for me to distance myself from the socially awkward and/or weird.

The gut shot reminds me that all of these things I sort of subconsciously believe or at least live/think by are complete and total lies.  Yes, I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14 – a glorious ruin as my Associate Pastor says), but am still a recovering sinner and I am still quite fallible.  These blows to my pride underscore this truth and enable me to show much more compassion on others when they say foolish or embarrassing things. 

I see the same thing happen when God reveals my sin to me.  This conviction makes me far more willing to forgive sin done against me, and far more willing to show mercy to others in general.  Not to excuse sin, or look over it, after all scripture calls us to hate sin and even confront our brothers when they wrong us, but to throw off my prideful self-righteousness amidst those circumstances.

So I am thankful for embarrassment and sin conviction.  I am thankful that God does not allow me to bask in the fake sun of my self pride, and I long for the day when I can throw these things off for good, and rest completely, unhindered, in His righteousness and love. 


~sezs said...

Oh, dear! Did i leave my journal unlocked on your desk?? ;). I hear ya, girl!! How wonderful, marvelous, the grace of God to save sinners! :)

kellycmom said...

Wow, you are SO in my head right now.