Friday, June 14, 2013
It still sucks. I still dream, quite literally and painfully, of children; of their messes and laughter, of their tears and failures, of first steps and first days of school…I still shed tears sometimes when I wonder whether this joy is in my future or nothing more than a hopeful dream. But I can allow myself to mourn, and I can run into my Father’s arms for comfort and assurance, and I can remind myself that He is faithful even amidst painful circumstances.
I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
Thursday, June 06, 2013
Beyond the comfort of the norm and the safety of what’s known, beyond the out stretched arms of parental care, beyond the reach of certainty and assurance…Falling is a scary thing, the world rushing past as everything races through your fingers slipping away like water rushing back into the ocean, never knowing the end result, anticipating the…
Is it falling or taking a leap? Will the ground rush up under me so fast that every bone will break? So that all things will fall completely and utterly apart? Will everything shatter when I make this decision? So uncertain, so unstable, so beyond…
Panic starts tight in my chest, a rushing beat that floods my brain and chases away sleep. It’s warm here, too warm beneath even the thin sheets of my bed, even beneath the clicking fan set on high. To remain in place sucks away my energy and joy, brings frustration, but to move might prove to be catastrophic.
It’s too risky. It won’t work out. How will you survive? Just stick with what is steady and stable, with what is guaranteed and simple, what’s solid. It’s hard but there’s very little risk involved.
Just lying in bed staring over the edge of a cliff and wondering at the potential effects of a particular decision. Gravity tugging from one end, fear pulling back with grasping fingers as nagging thoughts insist on the safer route. Better not to risk it, better to remain in place, in the suffocation.
Is it falling if sure arms are there to catch you even if you can’t see them?
Fear lays behind but the rush of adventure, of change, of newness beckons from beyond. Leaving the safety of the ledge is terrifying, but what lays beyond it? Is there gain in the venture? Is the fall really so dangerous that I would rather curl up and remain in place? Sit in the stagnation? Refuse to move forward?
But is it wise? Is it the best move? Is it really something You want me to do? I’m scared of falling but I know taking a leap while trusting in You is never really a risk. For even if I fall your arms are there to catch me, to heal broken bones and sooth scrapes and bruises. Help me know how to fall…
Wednesday, June 05, 2013
Another year older, another year…wiser? On Monday I turned 28. I’m one of those people who still gets super excited about my birthday even if the fast approaching 30 scares me a little. I think it has something to do with new beginnings…your birthday is sort of like your own personal New Years: this year, year X, I will be _____, I will do ____, and most importantly, I will never ____... Unfortunately, like the normal New Years, such statements often fail before lift off. You find yourself yelling at other drivers though you swore to be patient, over emotional when you promised yourself you’d be full of peace, and fighting envy though you prayed for contentment.
|Thanks Crystal for the flowers!|
It’s still hard, there is still so much I haven’t done that I want to, I still struggle with occasional bouts of depression and anxiety, but in my rear view mirror I see the work my Savior has accomplished in my life, and I know I’ve never been left to drift on my own.
Thanks everyone for the birthday wishes, many meals and cakes and sweet presents! Please keep me in your prayers and always feel free to share your requests with me.
For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.