Read: “Courtney’s been lazy about her blog”. That’s only the partial truth, the self-deprecating side that often makes people laugh and puts them at ease; the other side of it is that I’ve been assessing my motivation in writing a blog at all. Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about how narcissistic I can be, how we all can be, and it made me wonder if keeping a blog was just feeding this self-focus. With things like Facebook, where we can present to the world a cleaned up picture of ourselves, it’s so easy to post something and think “dang, I’m awesome, why aren’t more people ‘liking’ and commenting on my posts?” Add to that Pintrest with its motivational posters that tell you how awesome you are and how crappy most everyone else is (men, “stupid” people, anyone who disagrees with you) and it feels as if we are setting up monuments to ourselves, begging others to validate and worship us, and bemoaning what we perceive to be a villainous lack of “deserved” attention.
I know this is true
because I do it myself. Looking at my
Facebook I’m actually bummed if it appears that no one has paid attention to
what I consider to be my brilliant posts and the very thought of conflict has my
stomach churning. Moreover, when I
analyze the motivation to most of my actions, whether commendable or
despicable, I realize that all are muddied by some desire to bring glory to
myself, to make myself comfortable, to honor me. In this painful moment of clarity I crumble,
knowing I’ll never be able to do anything with a truly pure heart, without that
old man, my old sinful self, telling me about how much “x” will benefit
me. I’m reminded of Gollum in The Lord
of the Rings, always debating with himself about what decision will get him
what he wants, never making a decision because it is right, but because it will
get him closer to the ring. He has a
moment of the dim light of hope only to fall back into slavery to the
precious. What’s the point then? I can’t even do good without dragging sin
along with me!
“For the good that I
want, I do not do…Wretched man that I am!
Who will set me free from the body of this death?”
The beautiful thing is,
when I find myself in this depth of despair, feeling utterly useless and
contaminated, God doesn’t leave me there.
He reminds me that this is the very reason I am in need of Him, that
alone I wouldn’t even notice this tainted motivation, that I would stumble on
like a zombie, dead flesh animated. But
he reaches into my life and replaces my still heart with a beating one,
beginning the change that will, one day in glory, make me holy. I like to think of it this way, to imagine
someone placing a live heart into the body of the walking dead because I
imagine the effects of the change might be slow. The zombie might look the same for a while,
but the new heart would start to pump blood through its veins and day by day
humanity would reveal itself. Old habits
would be difficult to kick, beauty difficult to see at first, but the zombie
would no longer be what it was before; a dead man walking.
So I’m still a healing
zombie with tainted motives and a bad case of narcissism. I won’t be able to write or post on Facebook
or do anything without the effects of sin, but God still calls me to do good,
still calls me to use the talents He’s given me, and promises to sanctify me
while I walk here on earth. I’m praying
that I will begin to see a change in the attitude of my heart, that I will be
humbled by God’s work, and that He will use what little I have to offer to bring
His kingdom here on earth, but it’s only by His power that I can do so.
“Thanks be to God
through Jesus Christ our Lord!”
*Romans 7:19, 24, &
25
2 comments:
Forget new years! (That being said, my oddly non-inspired new years post got 2500+ views. Apparently it matters.) I think you do a great job of balance and I like hearing what you have to say. I also don't think we can think of blogs as being too narcissistic, said the girl who writes a blog daily. I do think some are, but you can kind of smell it. And yours doesn't smell. :)
Yay! I'm glad mine doesn't smell. I am always so blessed by your blog, thanks for your encouragement, honesty, and sharing your heart Kiki!
Post a Comment