Right now I’m in the after. After rejection, after the “no”, after the relief. It’s equal parts pain and grief. In many ways I am happy to be here, happy to stay in Texas close to my family, happy to continue on with the local church that I’ve grown up with, happy to be in the house I prayed for, happy not to have to make tough decisions…but…
In many ways this after hurts. It makes me feel lost. As if I’m not enough. It feels like a rejection of who I am and not just what I do. It makes me cry out to God and ask for direction and wisdom, a verbal word. I can’t see the bigger picture and I really, really want to. This after does not feel fair.
But this after reminds me of the “yesess” amidst the “nos”. No to my dream job; yes to a house; no to a new start, yes to three very good friends I know I’ve prayed for since junior high. In this after I find myself blessed yet still longing, and realize that this is the promise of the world, the promise of the Lord. Joy will be found on earth, but it will be mixed with longing for the ever after.
And when the veil is drawn away, when the earth and it’s pain are gone, that’s when I will see the true happily ever after of fairy tales; one not mixed with despair and disappointment, one that will bring me face to face with the Savior, that will provide answers of solidity…the big picture, the explanation for this present “after…”