Five-Minute Friday: "Friend"

Yet another Five-Minute Friday link up!  Forgive me if it sounds like mush, I've been writing a term paper this week and my brain is rather like smashed potatoes right now...

I’ve prayed for you since I was in the fifth grade; feeling out of place and awkward, feeling misunderstood and weak.  I prayed for a spouse, yes, but I also prayed for you, sweet friend, sister in Christ. 

My heart ached for that one who I could share laughter of ridiculous things, share embarrassing moments without fear, share the kind of prayers that can only take place between friends.

Tears, joy, goofy, nerdy excitement!

I prayed for you and God said “yes”.  How many times has He said “no”?  How many times have I not understood?  His promises are great, His gifts are kind, and He gave me you as a friend.

Like a missing half of a whole, the second puzzle piece, you are often the mouth of God to me, speaking His truth in love and mercy.

Shared tears, shared joys…shared wine! 

How can I tell you what you mean to me?  How many wounds your friendship has healed?  How happy I am to have been blessed with you. 

Sweet friend, how I cherish your wise words, your brutal honesty, your inappropriate jokes that always make me laugh on a cruddy day. 

Thank you.  That’s all I can really say.

Office Oddities

One thing I can say about my job without the slightest hesitation is that it’s given me many entertaining (Painful?  Embarrassing?  Terrifying?) stories.  From spilling the contents of the whole puncher all over the floor to rude solicitors to ridiculous questions (Random employee: "Why haven't I gotten my pay check?"  Me: "Did you maybe change your address?" Random Employee:  "Well...yeah."  Me: "Did you send us an e-mail to that effect?"  Random Employee:  "No."  Me (internal dialogue):  "I'm so sorry, my telepathy's on backorder..."), my job as a receptionist/administrative assistant has taught me a lot and given me many laughs.   

Today’s office oddity?  Having to literally unscrew a document in order to scan one of the pages.  Apparently, the company in question cares highly for the safety of the contents of said documents…

"After"

So, last week I did my first link up called Five Minute Friday.  My problem was that I misread the prompt the first time and wrote the wrong one.  When I realized my mistake I wrote the correct one and decided to post the first one this week...which worked out great because I have a term paper to write, a portfolio to complete, hogs to be fed...all that jazz, so read and enjoy!

***

Right now I’m in the after.  After rejection, after the “no”, after the relief.  It’s equal parts pain and grief.  In many ways I am happy to be here, happy to stay in Texas close to my family, happy to continue on with the local church that I’ve grown up with, happy to be in the house I prayed for, happy not to have to make tough decisions…but…

In many ways this after hurts.  It makes me feel lost.  As if I’m not enough.  It feels like a rejection of who I am and not just what I do.  It makes me cry out to God and ask for direction and wisdom, a verbal word.  I can’t see the bigger picture and I really, really want to.  This after does not feel fair.

But this after reminds me of the “yesess” amidst the “nos”.  No to my dream job; yes to a house; no to a new start, yes to three very good friends I know I’ve prayed for since junior high.  In this after I find myself blessed yet still longing, and realize that this is the promise of the world, the promise of the Lord.  Joy will be found on earth, but it will be mixed with longing for the ever after. 

And when the veil is drawn away, when the earth and it’s pain are gone, that’s when I will see the true happily ever after of fairy tales; one not mixed with despair and disappointment, one that will bring me face to face with the Savior, that will provide answers of solidity…the big picture, the explanation for this present “after…”

"Jump"

This is my first time trying a link up so bear with me.  The challenge is Lisa-Jo Baker's Five Minute Friday where you write for five minutes, no editing allowed.  Today's topic was "Jump".

***

"Jump!"

Standing at the edge of cold, wet concrete, the green water below looks so far down.  Countless others have done it before me, all successful, all safe and sound below.  No limbs broken.  Red marks from the slap of water acceptable wounds.

My heart is in my throat.  If I don't jump I'll look like a weenie.  That's the best word my seventh grade mind can come up with.  I'm a bit sheltered.  

"Jump!  Jump!"

The voices encouraging me bounce from wall to wall on the bridge.  The sound of cars overhead nearly drown them out.  A louder voice, one only I can hear insists that if I don't jump I won't be able to show my face again, I won't have a place among them, they won't be my friends.  As always I'll be on the outside of the circle, whispers of taunts floating around me, the words "weird" and "dork" echoing loud and clear...

"Jump!  Jump!"

I take a breath and step off into oblivion, the cool water shocking my senses as I plunge into the darkness.  I come up to cheers, to friends.  The voice is still there, still murmuring like the water lapping the concrete walls, but the other voices, solid and real, drown it out.    

The Harsh World in Which We Live

“What a harsh world you live in.”  Lord Grantham

“We all live in a harsh world, but at least I know I do.”  Tom Branson

About a month ago I got into Downton Abby.  Friends had been encouraging me for almost a year to watch the show and when I finally gave in I was hooked.  The dialogue above struck me immediately but as I had a few other blog posts lined up I delayed in writing about them.  I planned to write about the state of American culture, specifically in suburbia.  I’d planned to write on our talent at escapism, our self-medication, our worship of comfort and subsequent flight from pain.  I’d planned to talk about how easy it is for us in the U.S. to ignore, escape, numb ourselves against the difficulties of life by means of entertainment, drugs, and activity.  I wanted to encourage myself and others to face hardships with open eyes and flee from slipping into comfortable oblivion in which we avoid conflict and stop our ears to the cries of our own souls and those of others.

Then came Monday.  Stories of the explosions in Boston, images of bloodied runners and paramedics, the realization that someone I knew was in that race… Pain became difficult to ignore as the media flooded with information, heartache, horror.  I cried reading the story of the eight year old boy killed at the finish line, of the war veteran who assisted with the injured, remembering like echoes Sandy Hook, Virginia Tech,  the day the planes crashed into those buildings my sophomore year of high school…

***

 

“What’s going on in the world?”

 

“Things are getting worse and worse.”

 

“This makes me sick.”

 ***

We do hide ourselves so well from pain, but moments like this remind us that we can’t forever run from it, remind us of the harsh world we live in, of the universal effect of sin.  My heart breaks for Boston right now, but even in my horror I don’t think I feel the pain like I should.  The pain is over there, far away.  It’s their harsh world beyond the computer screen, past the radio waves, in Boston and this breaks my heart further still.  It’s easy for me to forget the harsh world in which I live, all too easy to stick my head in the sand and click to the next episode of a TV show on Netflix.  So I am praying for my numbed heart, for a greater compassion for that which feels far away, for a greater compassion for the groaning around me, and most of all for those right now in the midst of a horror I can’t imagine. 

Romans 8:26-27

26 In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; 27 and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the [a]saints according to the will of God.

Living in the Longing

The bride is beautiful, but then she always is.  As the doors of the church open to reveal the girl in the white dress and immaculate hair at the other end of the aisle a smile fills every aspect of the groom’s face.  All rise in honor, most eyes focus in on one point, many hearts swell with uninterrupted joy…but some hearts find themselves breaking a little, some feel the sting of guilt as they wish themselves in her place, or at least a place similar to hers…

***

“If I ever get married-“

“When, when you get married.”

Cue internal eye rolling, obligatory thanks with accompanying smile.

*** 

I’m so happy for them, really I am, but dark thoughts crowd my mind, bumping together, insisting on my attention.  Why isn’t it me?  Am I being punished?  Will I always and forever feel like some sort of awkward planet orbiting around the very edge of the circle while others decide what category to put me in?  Am I just meant to be a third, fifth, seventh wheel?

***

“A friend of mine got married at forty, you’re still young, don’t worry!”

I do worry.  I don’t want to be forty when I get married.

“You’re desire is a good desire and God says He’ll give you the desires of your heart!”

Is that really what scripture teaches?  Really?

***

I should be thankful for what I have, count my blessings, trust in the God Who I know to be both good and sovereign, but it’s hard.  Sometimes suffocating.  Sometimes painful.  Often lonely.  Occasionally heartbreaking.  Periods of guilt mixed with longing come flashing through like waves I can’t beat back.  They throw me quite literally on my face in angry, tear-filled prayers.  I fight the lies that flood my head, I claw at the truths of scripture, I still hurt.

***

“In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; ‘I have overcome the world.’”  This truth echoes through my mind as I curl up in a lounge chair in the back yard of my parent’s house.  Out there, in the dark, far from glaring city lights, stars poke through the black of the sky, a thousand grains of salt on a dark table cloth, the visual promise to Abraham regarding his offspring, the overwhelming expanse that baffles me with just how big the universe is and how small I am. 

For a few moments, the oppressive weight lifts from my body, floating into space like the steam rising from the hot tub.  The promise, assurance of pain remains, a shadow extending forward into the future, but the burning reminder of the suffering servant plants itself firmly beside me, and in that moment of remembrance I am strengthened.

"No One is Righteous"

Harry:  “[Michael’s] a righteous man.”

 

Susan:  “He seemed nice enough to me.”

Harry:  “No, not self-righteous.  Righteous.  The real deal…he lives his ideals…”

I read this conversation in a book recently, and it struck me immediately.  The man presented is kind, and brave, and pure.  He fights evil (very obvious, very frightening evil), wears a white cape with a red cross on the back, wields a large broad sword, and gains his “power” from his “faith”.  Also?  He doesn’t use foul language, is always truthful, and takes promises very seriously.

But I have some problems with Michael.

My first irritation with him was his demanding that the main character not swear.  This reminded me so much of myself back in high school, thinking I was standing up for my beliefs by demanding much the same thing of my friends.  The problem?  This reeks of legalism and sounds a lot like what the Pharisees were all about.

“Why aren’t your disciples washing their hands before they eat?  Dude, they’re going to hell!” (Matthew 15…ok, maybe they didn’t use the word ‘dude’…)

My question for Michael here would be, “What good will it do Harry not to swear?  Will it do him any good at all, or does it just make you feel better not to hear harsh words?”

My second problem is less to do with Michael, and more to do with the conversation.  Harry calls Michael righteous rather than self-righteous because he lives his ideals, he’s not a “hypocrite”, he doesn’t say one thing and do the other.  Now, I grant you, if this was possible, if Michael really could live out his ideals then we could certainly say he had integrity, that he was not a hypocrite, but could we really call him righteous?

Not according to scripture. 

“There is none righteous, not even one.”  Romans 3:10

“Why do you call Me good?  No one is good except God alone.”  Luke 18:19

By human standards, Michael might look pretty good, just as I thought I did in high school.  No foul language, honesty, hard work, washed hands…but according to God’s standards?  How utterly short we fall; mixed motives, setting ourselves as the standard for what is good, ungracious thoughts…And it goes deeper still.  Created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27) we are meant to represent God, to live for Him, and to enjoy Him.  Going a moment without fulfilling this is unpardonable rebellion against the One Who breathed life into us.  None of us can claim our own righteousness; none of us can claim innocence, on our own there is no hope.

Of course this isn’t the end of the matter.  We don’t throw our hands into the air and say “to hell with it then!”  Instead, we place our trust on the only One Who did fulfill the law perfectly, Who was righteous Himself, the lamb lifted up.  Our only means of obtaining righteousness is to ask Christ to give us His, and so abide in Him.

“He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.”  2 Corinthians 5:21

This is the only way we can avoid self-righteousness and hypocrisy; to claim the righteousness of another and ask Him to sanctify or make us holy as He is holy.  We will never be this on our own.  May we remember this and be greatly humbled.

Dirty Feet, Dirty Hearts, and a Savior Who Washes Them Clean

The Lord’s Supper

13 Now before the Feast of the Passover, Jesus knowing that His hour had come that He would depart out of this world to the Father, having loved His own who were in the world, He loved them ^[a]to the end. ² During supper, the devil having already put into the heart of Judas Iscariot, the son of Simon, to betray Him, ³ Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into His hands, and that He had come forth from God and was going back to God, ⁴ *got up from supper, and *laid aside His garments; and taking a towel, He girded Himself.

Jesus Washes the Disciples’ Feet
⁵ Then He *poured water into the basin, and began to wash the disciples’ feet and to wipe them with the towel with which He was girded. ⁶ So He *came to Simon Peter. He *said to Him, “Lord, do You wash my feet?” ⁷ Jesus answered and said to him, “What I do you do not realize now, but you will understand hereafter.” ⁸ Peter *said to Him, “Never shall You wash my feet!” Jesus answered him, “If I do not wash you, you have no part with Me.” ⁹ Simon Peter *said to Him, “Lord, then wash not only my feet, but also my hands and my head.” ¹⁰ Jesus *said to him, “He who has bathed needs only to wash his feet, but is completely clean; and you are clean, but not all of you.” ¹¹ For He knew the one who was betraying Him; for this reason He said, “Not all of you are clean.”

¹² So when He had washed their feet, and taken His garments and reclined at the table again, He said to them, “Do you know what I have done to you? ¹³ You call Me Teacher and Lord; and ^[b]you are right, for so I am. ¹⁴ If I then, the Lord and the Teacher, washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. ¹⁵ For I gave you an example that you also should do as I did to you. ¹⁶ Truly, truly, I say to you, a slave is not greater than his master, nor is one who is sent greater than the one who sent him. ¹⁷ If you know these things, you are blessed if you do them. ¹⁸ I do not speak of all of you. I know the ones I have chosen; but it is that the Scripture may be fulfilled, ‘He who eats My bread has lifted up his heel against Me.’ ¹⁹ From now on I am telling you before it comes to pass, so that when it does occur, you may believe that I am He. ²⁰ Truly, truly, I say to you, he who receives whomever I send receives Me; and he who receives Me receives Him who sent Me.”

I was going to write a short reflection on this passage, urging myself and others who trust on Jesus to wash each others feet, and the feet of those we disagree with.  The debates of the last week, the anger, name calling, fighting in regards to the Supream Court Case hearings have saddened my heart.  On the one hand I want to stand for what I believe scripture says, I don't want to compromise my beliefs, but on the other hand I don't want to alientate my friends who disagree with me, who feel passionately about the other side of the argument.  So I'd planned to put up a banner to encourage both sides to do as Jesus did and wash the feet of our enemies as He did for Judas, as He did for disciples whose sin put Him on the cross, for disciples who would abandon Him to torture and death in the next few hours.

Then I realized how far short such urgings would fall.  The thing is, such exhortations would reek of self-righteousness, a heart of pride, and the false belief that we can save ourselves.  Christ washed our feet because we could not/would not do it ourselves, He went to the cross because no matter how good our lives look on the outside, whether you are straight, gay, republican, democrat (or libertarian), tattooed, not tattooed, working, unemployed... inside we are rotten corpses - whitewashed tombs.  Our sin put Him there, and He went willingly.  He washed us with His blood...

So rather than shake my finger at the world and insist that "all of you need to be washing each other's feet", I want to pause and look to the cross, something I need to be doing way more often.  The God-Man Who gave His life there is the only One Who can take us rotten corpses and bring us to life, make us people willing and joyful to wash the feet of others.  May we not be distracted by the arguments and troubles of this world, especially over the next few days as we reflect on Calvery and the empty tomb, may God soften our hearts and miracle of miracles abide with us, and may this heart change seep into our actions as naturally as breathing.

Praise be to the God of all hope.   

For the lenten devotional that inspired this post, visit Kiki's site over at stillhatepickles.com.

The God of All Mysteries

I struggle with anxiety.  Not just normal lose a little sleep anxiety, but weight on the chest, aching stomach, can’t breathe, miss a month of sleep anxiety.  In college I went twice to the ER because I felt like I was suffocating.  The first time the doctor didn’t listen to me and gave me an inhaler for asthma  (albuterol = racing heart…not good in the midst of an anxiety attack) the second time I was put on anti-anxiety medicine.  Neither “solution” ever truly resolved the issue; the former exacerbated the problem, while the latter messed me up in other ways.  After nearly a year of no change with the anti-anxiety medication I took myself off of it.  This lead to such severe dizziness I was scared to drive myself around.  And the attacks continued.

I could not fix my problem.

I struggle with insomnia.  Not just losing a few hours of sleep here and there every month or so, but fear based, fight or flight mode adrenaline, lose months of sleep insomnia.  Often I joke that I came out of the womb with insomnia (ask my poor mother, she’ll tell you how I did not sleep for the first four years of my life) but in the midst of it, it never feels like cause for laughter.  Sleep comes only when my body eventually gives up to grab a few hours before the alarm goes off and I’m required to make it through another day.  Home remedies, OTC sleep aides, chamomile tea…you name it, I tried it, and they all failed.

I was hopeless to change anything, and often I found myself in despair.

Then God graciously gave me relief.  I can’t pinpoint one day or one breakthrough, but the attacks eased, the fear calmed, and sleep came.  For a full year I lived alone without a severe bout of insomnia, something unheard of for me before, and I can hardly remember the last time I experienced the suffocating weight of an anxiety attack. 

These two particular struggles and their subsequent relief (no matter how brief) remain a mystery to me; threatening forces I neither understand nor have ability to fight, that once sucked away energy, and threatened my joy.  But the thing is there are no mysteries with God.  In fact, He is the God of all mysteries.

In my local church we are going through the book of Daniel.  Last week we studied the passage in which King Nebuchadnezzar asked all the wise men to interpret a dream he did not understand.  The catch was that he also wanted them to tell him what it was.  When they could not reveal this mystery, he ordered that they all be killed.  In steps Daniel.  He himself could not perform the task for the king, but the God he served could.  Not only was the captive Israelite able to tell the king his dream, but he was also able to offer the interpretation:  the kingdoms of this world will fall, but an everlasting one is coming, one that will fill the whole earth.

A comforting interpretation for King Nebuchadnezzar, this was not, yet he promoted Daniel because of it and worshiped his God.  Why?  Really I can only guess but I think it was because this proved that the God of Israel is in fact the God of mysteries, and if so this was a God that deserved honor: “Surely your God is a God of gods and a Lord of kings and a revealer of mysteries, since you have been able to reveal this mystery.” Daniel 2:47

My own struggles in this world, big and small, are often somewhat mysterious to me.  I don’t know the future, I worry far too much about it and my decisions, I am a finite creature…but I worship an infinite God, the God of mysteries, and by His grace I am His child.  So whether this relief I am experience is forever or only temporary, I can rest in His arms, know that nothing is beyond His understanding, and that one day in the true kingdom I will experience true rest with my Heavenly Father.

Daniel 2:19-23

¹⁹ Then the mystery was revealed to Daniel in a night vision. Then Daniel blessed the God of heaven; ²⁰ Daniel said,

 

“Let the name of God be blessed forever and ever,
For wisdom and power belong to Him.
²¹ “It is He who changes the times and the epochs;
He removes kings and ^[ab]establishes kings;
He gives wisdom to wise men
And knowledge to ^[ac]men of understanding.
²² “It is He who reveals the profound and hidden things;
He knows what is in the darkness,
And the light dwells with Him.
²³ “To You, O God of my fathers, I give thanks and praise,
For You have given me wisdom and power;
Even now You have made known to me what we requested of You,
For You have made known to us the king’s matter.”

In Light of Easter...

“In a form of communion between the Father and the Son to which the best human analogy is a covenant, He has voluntarily become the surety of His people and been accepted as such.  He has undertaken to meet their debts, indeed, to meet the whole cost of their redemption.  He has become the Head of the church; He has become her bridegroom.  To go even further, He has become her substitute: not only will He act on her behalf, He will suffer in her place.   He offers to become that in the covenant.  He is accepted as that in the covenant.  And it is as the Surety, Head, Bridegroom, and Substitute of the church that He comes into the world and lives and obeys and dies.  The sufferings are there.  No theory of the atonement adds one degree to their intensity.  But they cry out for explanation.  Why did the Lord bruise Him?  The only answer to that is, Because He is in the place of His people.  But how does He come to be one with His people?  By the eternal covenant of redemption!  Only the arrangements of that covenant can explain or justify the imputation of sin to Jesus.  And only that imputation can explain or even redeem the darkness which filled Immanuel’s soul, as expressed in the cry of dereliction, ‘My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?’  It was not the evangelical doctrine of atonement which evoked these words.  The truth is, that only that doctrine, with its covenant, its substitution, and its imputation can at all explain them and rescue Christian theism from their implications.” ~ Donald Mcleod

Christ Glorified that We Might be Glorified

I don’t understand God.  Really, even that statement falls short of just how little I “get” of Him.  Graciously He has allowed me to know Him, but what I know is much like the tip of an iceberg rising above the water; below are depths beyond my slight human grasp, depths that would overwhelm me in my frailty.  By mercy He keeps much of this from me, knowing the effect such knowledge might have and just how poorly I would use it (if I could continue to function at all after such a revelation).  Even what I do understand I often pervert and communicate very badly. 

 

One example?  Christ being glorified.

In my rather pathetic and shallow understanding, I’ve read of His glorification in the past with some reservations.  Not that I didn’t believe the Son of God deserved it and not because I didn’t believe that He has been, in fact, glorified, but because for some reason it rubbed me wrong.  “Yeah, yeah,” my sinful mind would hint.  “He did all that but He knew glorification and paradise were to come.  Doesn’t that sound a little self-serving?”

I always thrust this to the back of my mind, repenting of such evil thoughts against One Who suffered the Hell I deserve, and ignoring the topic all together.  Maybe I’m the only one who’s ever struggled with that, maybe I really can say with Paul that I’m the worst of sinners, maybe I apply human terms and conditions to God far too often and forget that He is wholly separate from us…I’m not really sure, but the thought always kind of bothered me a little.

But God has been merciful.  Rather than allowing me to simply ignore a bad view of Himself and leave me in simple ignorance, He revealed to me something very important about the glorification of Christ.  Jesus was glorified, in part, that we might be glorified also.  United with Him on the cross we died, rising with Him from the grave we lived, and ascending to heaven we were promised glorification.  Am I the only one who has never understood this?  Or perhaps it is just now hitting me square between the eyes and the truth of it is gloriously blinding.  Because Christ was glorified, so we will be too.  How baffling is that?

Maybe this is a simple truth you already understood, or at least knew academically, but I challenge you, dear reader, to mediate on that for a few moments.  The glorification of Christ was not just a self-serving reward (as if we could even use such pathetic human terms in relation to our God), but it was also a means of promising glorification to His bride, the Church.

“…for Christ Himself the covenant of redemption was a covenant of works.  Its promises were conditional upon His obedience…It is because He was obedient unto death that He is highly exalted.  It is because He has finished the work given Him that He asks that He Himself be glorified and the salvation of His people completed.”  Donald Macleod