It's 37 minutes past midnight on Wednesday morning and I'm staring wide awake into the computer screen. What are you doing? Right now, Late Night Courtney is thinking that sleep is so overrated, but tomorrow, Early Morning Courtney is not going to be pleased. If you know me even a little bit you are well aware that I struggle with insomnia at least every few months, and if you know me personally, you know that most of the time it's fueled by fear or anxiety.
Tonight it's anxiety...and a weird ear thing.
No seriously, there is something wrong with my ears. Ever since I started living in Peru in 2008 and wanted to shut out the sound of roosters crowing at night (seriously, not when the sun rose, just in the middle of the night!) I've worn ear plugs to bed. This worked great for when I moved to an apartment near a busy intersection and when my neighbors get noisy, and up until recently I haven't had any problems. But a few weeks ago something started happening. I got a box of new ear plugs and thought I'd hit the jack pot because of how well they worked. They blocked out the sound better than any I'd ever used before but I could still hear my alarm in the morning (I'm a super light sleeper).
Then my ears started to ache. Having become so used to wearing ear plugs I decided to ignore this and continue using them. Of course, the problem did not and has not gone away. In fact, now the insides of my ears are swelling and scabbing. Now I have an even bigger problem...I can't sleep without wearing ear plugs but the ear plugs hurt my ears! Lame.
But I'm pretty sure that the weird ear thing is not the root cause of my restlessness tonight, but rather a bit of anxiety. In an effort to save a little money and get a little closer to work, I decided to find a new apartment. The search has come up somewhat dry and in my scramble to find a better deal I didn't think to look at my lease. Today, I was informed that I had to give my current complex not 30 days notice but 60...meaning all of my planning this afternoon was pretty much blown out of the water. Whoops.
I'm worrying. I'm anxious. I know that I will be able to get things worked out tomorrow, but because I can't resolve them right this very second I am restless...as if that will add an extra day to my life...or my lease.
Funny how just a few days ago I read Luke 12:22-34. Amazing how God provides through His word at the exact time I need it. "For this reason I say to you, do not worry about your life, as to what you will eat; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap; they have no storeroom nor barn, and yet God feeds them; how much more valuable you are than the birds! And which of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life's span? If then you cannot do even a very little thing, why do you worry about other matters?" (22-26) This is just a little thing, a very little thing that God is completely sovereign over, and my worrying will not change that.
I'm always amazed at how much He uses uncomfortable and trying times to bless me the most; how during months of sleeplessness He always teaches me deep truths about Himself and draws me closer to Him. How I can ever doubt His goodness is really rather laughable. I praise God for my insomnia, for bizarre medical problems, and for confusing contracts, and I look forward to seeing how everything is working together for His perfect plan.